1. Spelled out “Boooooooooooooo” using a combination of Cheerios and Fruit Loops
2. Counted 2,314 hairs on ma’ belly
3. Remembered my secret identity: “Shelly Long”
4. Watched Wedding Crashers not once, not twice but three times
5. Spent the night at Jacko’s ranch
6. Cat farted and it smelled a little like carpet deodorizer and Chewy Chips Ahoy
7. Finally found the person I most closely resemble
8. Finished my Christmas shopping for Xmas ’04
9. Shaved “The Artist Formerly Known As Prince” symbol into my pubes and now ready to party like its 1999
10. Bumped into a chick I dated 9 years ago… let’s just say I’m glad that one got away

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11. Practiced for the World Hot Dog Eating Contest… proudly packed away 2 1/2 dogs before yackin up tomato skins and a boot
12. Watched neighbors swim in their pool… pondered ways to cool down my urine and run through it like a sprinkler
13. Noticed this rash on my arm sorta looks like Wilford Brimley
14. Looked up the spelling to “of” in Webster’s (or is it “ove”… damn!!)
15. Was robbed by a lil ol’ lady on a motorized cart
16. Forgot my secret identity
17. Matched my cat’s sleeping pattern… 23 hours later I woke up wearing a clothes hanger around my neck and an urge to lick myself
18. Got yelled at by neighbors for watching them
19. Decided on my first-born’s name: “Arthritis”
20. Let go of grandma on the wheelchair ramp… she rolled 17 feet, 11 inches

1. Performed 3 Ice Capades maneuvers with my motorcycle school
2. Ate 2-day old refridgerated sushi, induced vomiting when some rice carelessly flew into my eye
4. Renewed my Motorcycle Learners and shouted outloud at the DMV that “I was back!”
5. Puked up tomato skins, weiners and a AAA battery
6. Went grocery shopping for TV dinners, pit-stick and condoms… left with a stunning flower arrangement and 500mg’s of Cottage Cheese
7. Priced out flights to San Francisco and/or San Jose
8. Used my newly found AAA battery as a suppository on my cat
9. Changed my secret-identity alias when staying at hotels to “Mr. Slut Tits”
10. Continued my crusade to replace positive-descriptive words like “wicked” and “sweet” with the likes of “good-gay” and “super”