1. Woke up spooning my cat
2. Made a smore using nothing more than a match, toothpaste, triscuit and Nestle Quick powder
3. Wrote my name 11 times, each time swapping my last name for names from Remington Steele
4. Farted into a Tupperware bowl… sealed it… and released the fumes at midnight (actually, this was some other dood, it just cracked me up!)
5. Messed with a telemarketer, telling her my lil brother and I were hiding in the closet and our dad was looking to beat us
6. Opened and closed every door in my house using only my mouth
7. Took a picture of my feet in the Diva Express
8. Perfected the “Carlton Dance” thanks to a few back to back episodes of Fresh Prince and Tivo
9. Cried during a Sylvan Learning Center commercial
10. 12,460 days straight without a smoke

1. Loaded up on Neo Citran, then ran topless through Flowers, Flowers, Flowers while singing I’ve had the time of my life
2. Traded some 4 year old sucka my motorbike for his bigwheel straight up
3. Unsuccessfully held a poo in after 5 bowls of Raisin Bran
4. Rolled up the rim to win
5. Attempted (for the 5th time) to make shortbread cookies; this time using nothing more than Cucumber face mask, some wall filler and 173 of those colored litebrite peg thingies
6. Farted in a tupperware, sealed it and released it at midnight
7. Changed my name to Hank Pitt
8. Sprinkled toenail clippings over my banana split, pretending they were coconut shavings
9. Slipped an ear of corn into my “ouch place”, later smuggled it through the grocery checkout
10. Realized, Barks DOES have bite

1. Asked a carpet-layer if he could spot me $10 for this really really sweet new goldfish I wanted
2. Ate the red ones last
3. Drafted up a business model for a restaurant that only serves Twinkies and sports medicine
4. Cried at yet another Sylvan Learning Center commercial
5. Sat in my truck running while enclosed in a garage too long, woke up stranded 5 miles from the Mexican border 23 hours later wearing my batman suit, a referee’s whistle and holding a half eaten bag of salted corn nuts
6. Shaked my ass
7. Bought a new boat
8. Saw a dood literally play the banjo using nothing more than his twig and berries
9. Mmm, salted corn nuts
10. Had another threesome with Jessica Simpson. This time it included the older lady from the local DMV

1. What would I do with a million dollars? Two chicks at the same time man
2. Attended a casting call for an upcoming Walker, Texas Ranger Christmas Special
3. Hit 35GB (8,246 files, 835 folders) of suspiciously acquired music and 38GB (265 files) of tastefully “artistic” videos
4. Had to re-look up the spelling to “of” in the dictionary (or is it “ove”, or “uv”??? Damn for damn!)
5. Bought a vowel, then solved the puzzle (phrase)
6. Entered the World Mouseclicking Championships
7. Downloaded K-Fed’s new single…, 3 secs into the track I switched back to Reba
8. Called up to the HR department to find out if question #5 on my 2006 employee health benefits form, “Do you smoke?” meant cigarettes or “like other stuff”?
9. Realized, “I do love turtles!”
10. After a sintilating investigation, it is reveals Bert and Ernie DO share a bed… booyah!

1. Found an itch that needed scratching by my buddy’s tongue
2. Entered Live with Regis and Kelly’s “Out Of Control February Fantasy” contest
3. Went snowboarding
4. Decided on my second-born’s name: “Version 2.0”
5. Had a craving for Haggis, but later settled for Burger King wrapped in pantyhose
6. Window shopped at the mall with my hands in my pocket, hands in my pocket, hands in my pocket
7. Finally realized “A” isn’t necessarily just for “Apples”, nor “J” for “Jacks”. They also stand for “Aunt Jemima”, “Apple Juice”, “Ask Jeeves”, “Angelina Jolie” and “Al-Jazeera”
8. Wacko Jacko called up, asked if my buddy Hank was single
9. Bought myself a Wicked Weasel 2-piece
10. Changed my secret identity from “Shelley Long” to “Moustache Pete”

1. Bought Party of 5 on DVD
2. Met a greeter at Walmart named Billie Jean… told her “she’s not my luva”
3. Realized Bingo really was his name-o!
4. Sexually harassed myself at the office, later put myself on paid-leave until I could figure out to reprimand myself
5. Named ma’ penis “Al Roaker” cuz it’s black… I mean big… I mean who am I kidding, I’m a white dood
6. Sharted a lil’
7. Booked the sweetest Halloween costume
8. Sneezed in my helmet on the freeway, was forced to lick it clean while riding
9. Considered buying a snazzy pink tee before kicking my own ass
10. Cleared up my “Wilford Brimley” rash using a self-made remedy ointment of warming sex lube, dried tea leaves and finely-chopped rolled-oats

1. Had a $2.99 breakfast from Denny’s, realized I AM out of my mind
2. Smoked a pack of candy cigarettes
3. Took the term “Reach out and touch someone” literally… met a really nice guy named Bob on the train after invading his personal space
4. Sneezed out a half used bar of soap and partial spaghetti noodle
5. Challenged myself to a game of Hungry Hungry Hippo, but later chickened out
6. Played “Fight Club” backwards in slo-mo and realized there was no fighting… everyone was being really nice to eachother
7. Went water rafting, damn near fell out of the boat screaming “I go, we go!”
8. In the spirit of Sean “P. Diddy” Combs changing his name to just “Diddy”, I too changed my name: “Fuffil Plorang III”
9. Set out to change the term for alcohol from “Spirits” to “Foo Foos”
10. T-minus 264 days to my birthday

1. Perfected the “Bon Jovi Rock Lock”
2. Crashed 1 Bar Mitzvah, 7 store openings and an Indian Diwali
3. Went water-rafting and pee’d in a borrowed wetsuit
4. Found $0.94 in the grocery store parking lot, gave it to the shopping cart jockey and told him to let it ride at the dog track
5. Made homemade Mac & Cheese using nothing more than garden mulch, Alberto Sun-Kissed Raspberry Shampoo and carpet deodorizer
6. Sunk your battleship
7. Put Curtis Armstrong on my “Must invite to my wedding” list
8. Made out with my cat for 11 minutes
9. Pooped out a key to my 9th grade gym locker, returned it for my $2 deposit
10. Had 4 ribs removed to comfortably gain better access to more pleasurable “lick-parts”

1. Rode public transit and finally realized what the difference is between “having gas” and “having bad gas”
2. Pondered being reincarnated as Garlic Bread
3. Chased an itch all over my back for what seemed like 6 hours
4. Sat on a pen, later attempted to suck out the ink like snake venom
5. Had a “tester” war with myself in a Perfume department and lost (Result: smelled overwhelmingly like sweet cinnamon with a hint of vanilla and East Coast Salmon)
6. Finally took my parents advice to “go play in traffic”
7. Bought a vowel
8. Called Dr. Phil and asked to borrow $150,000 for an emotional rescue
9. Resumed eating at Subway… set to break my consecutive-days eating there of 262
10. Triple-dog-dared some dude to take a swig of his water before paying for it, then bellow the theme from Bonanza while running out of the store exposing one nipple

1. Started a petition to rename M&M’s to S&M’s
2. Consecutive days eating at Subway stopped at 262
3. Pondered eating out of the litter box
4. Ran out of clean boxers so I switched to Foil
5. Dreamt about the first time I saw female genitalia… We’ve got bush, I repeat we’ve got bush
6. Discovered my secret Hobbit name: “Olo Gamwich of the Bree Gamwiches”
7. Emailed Chuck Wagner, asking to push for more Automan episodes
8. Did the “motorboat” with my cat’s belly… I now subseqently have another ear piercing
9. Foil got noisy so I switched to Hefty Bags
10. Invented a word to rhyme with Orange: “Splorange” meaning Flyer of kites found only in the Colorado Rockies