A Gay, A Drunk, and a Greedy Jew all die and go to heaven. There they are met by St. Peter, who informs them that they are not in the book. It has been a mix-up and that they were taken before their time was up. But with no other options he must to send them back, but only if they agree upon one condition each. Without giving it a moments thought, the three men agree.

St. Peter turns to the gay man and says, “Look buddy, you gotta stop doing that gay stuff. It’s totally wrong and God doesn’t want any of that funny stuff goin on around here. If you do it one more time we’re bringing you back, ok pal?”

The gay man heartily agrees just happy be given a chance to go back.

He proceeds to the drunk man and says, “You’ve got to stop drinking. You go near it again….Forget that, you even think about drinking again, your comin back too. Ok?”

The drunk man agrees, just as heartily.

Finally we comes to the greedy jew. “Listen pal, share the wealth. You have more than enough money to go around. If I see you ever act greedy again, your up here too. Got it?”

He agrees too.

After he has taken their promises, he snaps his fingers, and in a cloud of smoke they disappear only to find themselves on Earth again.

The trio start walking down the street discussing what they had just experienced. After awhile they happen upon a bar. The three men stop. The drunk man can see all his buddies inside roaring it up and havin a ball. He puts his hand on the door not thinking about what he’s doing and POOF, he disappears.

The other two men stand there in disbelief. They can’t believe just how serious St. Peter was. They carry on worried about what just happened. Just then the greedy jew sees a $100 bill laying on the ground. He bends over to pick it up and…

POOF there goes The Gay.

I don’t understand. After the last child was born, she told me we had to cut back on expenses, I had to give up drinking beer. I was not a big drinker — maybe a 12 pack on weekends.

Anyway, I gave it up but I noticed the other day she came home from grocery shopping and after noticing the receipt, I saw $45 in makeup.

I said, “Wait a minute, I’ve given up beer and you haven’t given up anything!”

She said, “I buy that makeup for you, so I can look pretty for you.”

I told her, “Hell, that’s what the beer was for!”

It’s your first time.

As you lie back your muscles tighten.

You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.

He asks if you’re afraid and you shake your head bravely.

He has had more experience, but it’s the first time his finger has found the right place.

He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he’s gentle like he promised he’d be.

He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him - he’s done this many times before.

His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance.

You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible.

As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues.

He looks at you concerned and asks you if it’s too painful.

Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on.

He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.

After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over.

He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.

You smile and thank your dentist.

After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.

Two women are new arrivals at the pearly gates and are comparing stories on how they died:

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible.

1st woman: It wasn’t so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. Instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked every-where, and finally I became so exhausted I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn’t look in the freezer - we’d both still be alive!

You have a barrel of water, and you need to measure out just one gallon. How do you do this if you only have a three-gallon container and a five-gallon container?

What turns everything around, but does not move?

(Those that submitted this riddle may not answer :-)

Jug

An old man goes to see the doctor…

“it’s about my bowel movements…” says the old man.
“Are they loose?” asks the doctor.

“No” says the old man.
“Are you constipated then?” asks the doctor.

“No” says the old man, “Regular as clockwork, that’s me!” he continues. “You can set your watch by it… eight o’clock every morning without fail.”
“So what’s the problem?” asks the doctor.

“I don’t wake up till nine!”

Ok now, nobody got the last one so lets try harder people! Oh, and no googling either!

How far can a duck walk into the woods?

Apparently I enjoy ridin’, ropin’, and redecoratin’… must be a gay cowboy.

Brokeback this mofo!

Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine’s Day. “Since Valentine’s Day is for a Christian saint and we’re Jewish,” she asks, “will God get mad at me for giving someone a Valentine?”

Melissa’s father thinks a bit, then says “No, I don’t think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a Valentine to?”

“Osama Bin Laden,” she says.

“Why Osama Bin Laden?” her father asks, reeling in shock.

“Well,” she says, “I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we’re not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little. And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he’d love everyone a lot. And then he’d start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn’t hate anyone anymore.”

Her father’s heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new-found pride. “Melissa, that’s the most wonderful thing I’ve ever heard!”

“I know,” Melissa says. “And once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the crap out of him!”