New Rule : Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com. There’s a reason you don’t talk to people for 25 years. Because you don’t particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don’t eat anything that’s served to you out a window unless you’re a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy’s chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you’re a dope. If you’re a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you’re a grown man, they’re pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here’s how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we’re done.

New Rule: There’s no such thing as flavored water. There’s a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That’s your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop fucking with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that’s square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a “decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n’-Low and one NutraSweet,” ooh, you’re a huge asshole.

New Rule: I’m not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing “Enter,” verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don’t want cash back, and pressing “Enter” again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn’t make you spiritual. It’s right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to “beef with broccoli.” The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren’t pregnant. You’re not spiritual. You’re just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn’t a sport. It’s one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What’s next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They’re already doing that. It’s called “The Howard Stern Show.”

New Rule: I don’t need a bigger mega M&M. If I’m extra hungry for M&Ms, I’ll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you’re going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what’s playing on the other screens. Let’s remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn’t good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it’s for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn’t gift giving, it’s the white people version of looting.

New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can’t even tell if he’s supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don’t want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don’t need to know in months. “27 Months.” “He’s two,” will do just fine. He’s not a cheese. And I didn’t really care in the first place.

1. He does not have a “BEER GUT”, he has developed a “LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.”

2. He is not a “BAD DANCER”, he is “OVERLY CAUCASIAN.”

3. He does not “GET LOST ALL THE TIME”, he “INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.”

4. He is not “BALDING”, he is in “FOLLICLE REGRESSION.”

5. He is not a “CRADLE ROBBER”, he prefers “GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.”

6. He does not get “FALLING-DOWN DRUNK”, he becomes “ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.”

7. He does not act like a “TOTAL ASS”, he develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.”

8. He is not a “MALE CHAUVINIST PIG”, he has “SWINE EMPATHY.”

9. He is not afraid of “COMMITMENT”, he is “RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED.”

10. He is not “HORNY”, he is “SEXUALLY FOCUSED.”

11. It’s not his “CRACK” you see hanging out of his pants - It’s “REAR CLEAVAGE.”

The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man Elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces. These Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, Missouri, Oklahoma, Tennessee and Texas boys will be dropped into Iraq and have been given only the following facts about terrorists:

1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don’t like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.
5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
6. Their favorite movie is “BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN.”

We expect the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday.

Keep it coming folks. I encourage you all to express your feelings and opinions. This is a freely open community and while I don’t expect too much in the way of education or informative correspondence, I do enjoy stimulating discussions and lightly golden-brown marshmallows.

Oh, I hear water polo can be a blast too!

Have you ever wondered how much money you make each year just by pooping at work? Well, we here at workpoop.com have thought the same thing and have created the poop calculator.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

2. Sunday = sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

3. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

4. Crying is blackmail.

5. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

6. “Yes” and “No” are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

7. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

8. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

9. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

10. If you won’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.

11. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.

12. If something we said or do can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

13. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

14. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

15. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

16. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

17. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

18. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

19. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

20. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

21. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

22. You have enough clothes.

23. You have too many shoes.

24. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

25. I am in shape. ROUND is a shape.

Guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde. He immediately turns to her and makes his move.

“You know,” he says, “I’ve heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let’s talk.”

The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, “What would you like to discuss?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” says the guy, smiling. “How about nuclear power?”

“OK,” says the blonde. “That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff — grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?”

The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, “I haven’t the slightest idea.”

“So tell me,” says the blonde, “How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don’t know shit?”

AIR RAID POO: When you sit down to poo and only farts come out

AN ARTIFACT: This is a mostly solid poo that appears to be normal at first glance. Once flushed however, fecal remnants remain attached to the bottom of the bowl for the next pooper or poopers to discover.

CABBAGE POO: Poo that comes out green.

CAJUN POO: Poo that burns on the way out.

CANTALOUPE POO: A turd that is as wide as it is long and makes a huge splash once it hits the toilet.

FLAME THROWER: Similer to the salad shooter but causes the anus to burn due to the high levels of capsicum (makes hot peppers hot).

GHOST POO: A poo that disappears once it hits the toilet. Kind of haunts you wondering where it went.

GUARD DOG: A poo that hangs out in the anus and protects the butt from any unwanted perpetrators.

OBESE POO: Poo that’s so big it hurts coming out, brother of the Cantaloupe Poo.

PEEKABOO POO: A poo that slides into the drain hole and only pokes its head out for a second when you flush than retreats down the drain again.

PERISCOPE POO: Poo so huge that the poo is actually sticking out of the water.

POO MAN CHU: A Poo Man Chu is when someone with really long butt hairs braids their hair like a goatee coming from their butt hole. It can also be emulated by hanging a long turd from your chin, but we do not recommend this.

RECURRING POO Every time you get done pooping and get up another one comes out.

SALAD SHOOTER: A form of diarrhea that sprays out of your butt at a rapid pace.

SNAKE CHARMER: A poo so big that you have to re-adjust your sitting position on the toilet and as the poo wiggles out. Whistling is optional and may help relaxing the poo out.

SPAGHETTI POO: Poo that is so smooth and thin that it actually curls in the bowl.

SPLASH GUARD: This term refers to the use of 3 to 6 squares of toilet paper placed atop the water as a buffer between the cold unforgiving water, and the pooper’s anus.

UNDERACHIEVER POO: A poo that is so small it wasn’t worth pooping.

UPPER DECK: An upper deck is where you take the top off of the back of the toilet and poop in the reserved water so that the poop is trapped. Everytime the toilet is flushed afterwards the toilet will be filled up with fresh poo water.

WHITE WOMEN

First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.

Second date: You get to grope her all over and make out.

Third date: You get to have sex but only in the missionary position.

ITALIAN WOMEN

First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.

Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs.

Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3-carat ring.

5th Anniversary: You already! have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex.

6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend.

JEWISH WOMEN

First Date: You get dynamite head.

Second Date: You get more great head.

Third Date: You tell her you’ll marry her and never get head again.

CHINESE WOMEN

First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.

Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner and again
nothing happens.

Third date: You don’t even get to the third date and you’ve already realized… nothing is going to happen.

INDIAN WOMEN

First date: Meet her parents.

Second date: Set the date of the wedding.

Third date: Wedding night.

BLACK WOMEN

First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.

Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.

Third Date: You get to pay her rent.

Tenth Date: She’s pregnant by someone other than you.

MEXICAN WOMEN

First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and have sex in the back of her car.

Second Date: She’s pregnant.

Third Date: She moves in. One week later: her mother, father, his girlfriend, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her father’s girlfriend’s mother, her two cousins, her sister’s boyfriend and his three kids move in and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Rio Grande.

And finally, IRISH WOMEN

First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

A babysitter came over one day to babysit 10 children. She decided to give them a snack. In a jar there were 10 cookies. She wants to give each one a cookie, but still keep one in the jar. How will she do it?

Note: Without breaking any cookies either — each child has to get a whole.