A SKINNY LITTLE WHITE GUY GOES INTO AN ELEVATOR, LOOKS UP AND SEES THIS HUGE BLACK GUY STANDING NEXT TO HIM. THE BIG GUY SEES THE LITTLE GUY STARING AT HIM LOOKS DOWN AND SAYS:

“7 FEET TALL, 350 POUNDS, 20 INCH PRIVATE, 3 POUND TESTICLES, TURNER BROWN.”

THE WHITE MAN FAINTS AND FALLS TO THE FLOOR. THE BIG GUY KNEELS DOWN AND BRINGS HIM TO, SHAKING HIM. THE BIG GUY SAYS: “WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU?”

IN A WEAK VOICE THE LITTLE GUY SAYS, “WHAT EXACTLY DID YOU SAY TO ME?”

THE BIG DUDE SAYS: “I SAW YOUR CURIOUS LOOK AND FIGURED I’D JUST GIVE YOU THE ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONS EVERYONE ALWAYS ASKS ME…..

I’M 7 FEET TALL, I WEIGH 350 POUNDS, I HAVE A 20 INCH PRIVATE, MY TESTICLES WEIGH 3 POUNDS EACH, AND MY NAME IS TURNER BROWN.”

THE SMALL GUY SAYS: “TURNER BROWN?!…SWEET JESUS, I THOUGHT YOU SAID, “TURN AROUND”.

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, “I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.”

I said, “WHAT??!! What was that?!”

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear…

“You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.”

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, “Can’t you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?”

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to take, so I told her we’d just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, “Lets get a pair for each outfit.”

We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you… she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn’t even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, “That’s fine, honey.” She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, “I think this is all dear, let’s go to the cashier.”

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, ‘No honey, I don’t feel like it.”

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, “WHAT?”

I then said, “Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You’re just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.”

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added,”Why can’t you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?”

Apparently I’m not having sex tonight either… but at least that bitch knows I’m smarter than her.

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee, and
A 1 lb. package of bacon.

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, “You must be single.”

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict’s intuition, since I was indeed single. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: “Well, you know what, you’re absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?”

The drunk replied, “Cause you’re fuckin’ ugly.”

Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are travelling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses at them through the windshield.

“Quick, Sister!” shouts Sister Catherine. “What shall we do?

“Turn the windshield wipers on! That will get rid of the abomination,” says Sister Helen.

Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns, making menacing faces.

“What shall I do now?” she shouts.

“Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican,” says Sister Helen.

Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

“Now what?” shouts Sister Catherine.

“Show him your cross,” says Sister Helen.

“Now you’re talking,” says Sister Catherine. She opens the window and shouts, “Get the fuck off the car!”

Damn for damn, this totally trounces my Slinky and Rubix Cube!

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gb_mnGmwAnI[/youtube]

Had I one of these lil’ pendulums of sweetness, I’d have never left my bedroom. Err, wait… umm… I think Porn did that anyway… doh!

Jug

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, “Ma’am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you’ll forgive me.”
She replies, “If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I’m in room 221.”

You Think English is Easy???
Can you read these right the first time?

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present .

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) The dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let’s face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in
eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren’t invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2
meese? One index, 2 indices?

Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make
amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you
fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all.
That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

Why doesn’t “Buick” rhyme with “quick”.

You lovers of the English language might enjoy this .

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is
“UP.”

It’s easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a
report ?

We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen.

We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.

And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP . We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about
thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don’t give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP .

When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP. When it doesn’t rain for awhile, things dry UP .

One could go on and on, but I’ll wrap it UP , for now my time is UP, so……….. Time to shut UP…..!

A very loud, unattractive, mean woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The Wal-Mart Greeter says “Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?”
The ugly, Mean women stopped yelling long enough to say, “Hell no, they ain’t twins. The oldest one’s 9 and the other one’s 6. Why the hell would you think they are twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?”
I’m neither blind nor stupid”, replied the Greeter. “I just couldn’t believe you got laid twice.”

I was packing for my business trip and my 3-year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, “Daddy, look at this,” and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, “Daddy’s gonna eat your fingers!” pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.

When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, “What’s wrong, honey?”

She replied, “What happened to my booger?”

So let’s start with the Boney M. name - plucked by Frank Farian straight from the TV screen in Germany where the popular Australian crime drama series Boney was showing. The show itself was based on books by crime writer Arthur Upfield and the visual allegory for Farian was perfect: the character Boney (an abbreviation of Bonaparte) was James Laurenson, a blacked-up, fair-haired white actor with blue eyes playing the character of Detective Inspector Napoleon ‘Boney’ Bonaparte, supposedly part Aboriginal, part white, carrying out investigations across Australia. And in front of the screen was Farian, a white man singing what sounded like a black song with a rich black voice, rather embarrassed by the fact that he was really a white man in vocal disguise!

We are perhaps fortunate he never considered stretching to the lengths of his tv inspiration but instead used his better judgment to breathe life into a band that properly reflected his sound and truly became the personification of his vast talent.

As for the “M”, Farian, having composed and recorded “Daddy Cool” (their first single) before ‘Boney M’ the group were even formed. As producer, composer and manager, all he required was their image to front his ‘band’ - with quirky front-man Bobby Farrell apparently ’singing’.

It was made out to be big news at the time (but no real shock I assure you!) - when, later, it was exposed that Farrell didn’t actually sing. Strangely enough, Farian went on to manufa… err.. I mean produce 80’s duo Milli Vanilli. And would you believe it!? They neever sang on their first records either!!!