There is a seven-letter word in the English language that contains ten words without rearranging any of its letters.” Can you think of the word?

10. Your saddle is Versace
9. Instead of “Home On The Range,” you sing “It’s Raining Men”
8. You enjoy ridin’, ropin’, and redecoratin’
7. You sold your livestock to buy tickets to Mamma Mia
6. After watching reruns of Gunsmoke, you have to take a cold shower
5. Native Americans refer to you as “Dances With Men”
4. You’ve been lassoed more times than most steers
3. You’re wearing chaps, yet your “ranch” is in Chelsea
2. Instead of a saloon, you prefer a salon
1. You love riding, but you don’t have a horse.

* Used without permission from CBS Studios, Worldwide Pants and David Letterman.

Jug

In light of my father’s recent retiring from his company of 30 years, I thought to shed some wisdom on the topic of just that — retiring:

Q. When is a retiree’s bedtime?
A. Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Q. How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Only one, but it might take all day.

Q. What’s the biggest gripe of retirees?
A. There is not enough time to get everything done.

Q. Why don’t retirees mind being called senior citizens?
A. The term comes with a 10% discount.

Q. Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
A. Tied shoes.

Q. Why do retirees count pennies?
A. They are the only ones who have the time.

Q. What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
A. NUTS!

Q. Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
A. They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Q. What do retirees call a long lunch?
A. Normal

Q. What is the best way to describe retirement?
A. The never-ending Coffee Break.

Q. What’s the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
A. If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

Q. Why does a retiree often say he doesn’t miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
A. He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”

7. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, “I was artificially inseminated this morning.” “I don’t believe you,” says Dolly. “It’s true, no bull!” exclaims Daisy.

8. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

9. Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.

10. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

11. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!” The doctor replied, “I know you can’t - I’ve cut off your arms!”

12. I went to a seafood disco last week…and pulled a mussel.

13. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

14. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says “Dam!”.

15. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

16. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why,” they asked, as they moved off. “Because”, he said, “I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 01, 2005
RE: Christmas Party

I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We’ll have a small band playing traditional carols…feel free to sing along. And don’t be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone’s pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family.

Patty

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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 02, 2005
RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we’re calling it our “Holiday Party.” The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Patty

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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 03, 2005
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table…you didn’t sign your name. I’m happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, “AA Only”, you wouldn’t be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?

Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy. NO GIFT EXCHANGES WILL BE ALLOWED.

—————————————–

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: October 04, 2005
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees’ beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party– or else package everything for you to take it home in a little foil doggy baggy. Will that work? Meanwhile, I’ve arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit furthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men’s table. We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food; therefore, we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics. The restaurant cannot supply “No Sugar” desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty

—————————————–

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Fucking Employees
DATE: October 05, 2005
RE: The Fucking Holiday Party

Vegetarian pricks I’ve had it with you people!!! We’re going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the “grill of death,” as you so quaintly put it, and you’ll get your fucking salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I’ve heard them scream. I’m hearing them scream right NOW! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die!

The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!

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FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: October 06, 2005
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I’ll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!

Just check out the Hindu Santa damnit…. I lost it!

Jug

1. What do you call a cupboard full of lesbians?
A licker cabinet.

2. What do you call an Eskimo lesbian?
A Klondyke.

3. What do you call 100 lesbians with guns?
Militia Etheridge.

4. Why can’t lesbians diet and wear make-up at the same time?
Because they can’t eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on their face.

5. What is a lesbian dinosaur called?
A Lickalotapuss.

6. What do you call two lesbians in a canoe?
Fur Traders.

7. What do you call a lesbian with long fingers?
Well Hung.

8. Did you hear that Ellen DeGeneres drowned?
She was found face down in Ricki Lake.

9. How can you tell a tough lesbian bar?
Even the pool table doesn’t have balls.

10. What do you call lesbian twins?
Lick-a-likes.

11. What’s the definition of confusion?
Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.

12. What’s the difference between a Ritz cracker and a lesbian?
One’s a snack cracker, the other’s a crack snacker.

This includes pretty much every cliche in the book.

Merry Ho Ho!

Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they were getting a little testy.

One morning, the first friend says, “You know, we’re starting to get on each other’s nerves. Why don’t we split up today. I’ll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the day. Then tonight, we’ll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire.”

The second friend agrees and hikes south. The first man hikes north.

That night over dinner, the first man tells his story: “Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?”

The second friend says, “I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks. I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks, and I had sex with her in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I came back to camp.”

“Wow!!” the first guy exclaimed, “Your day was MUCH better than mine. Did you get a blow job, too?”

“Nah,” says the second friend over his meal, “I couldn’t find her head.”

One of my co-workers (who is originally from Arkansas, just FYI) told me one day that he knew for a fact that sex feels better for women than it does for men. I asked, “How do you figure that?” His reply was (and I am not making this up!), “Because when you put your finger in your ear and wiggle it around, it feels better to your ear than it does to your finger.”