At its simplest level, Faceball involves two people hitting beachballs at each other’s faces. At a deeper level, it’s a vehicle for the release of personal animosity, and the Shaming of the Weak.

Damn for damn I wanna play!

Jug

Here we go again… is this turning into some Hollywood trend?

Allegedly under the influence and with a small amount of cocaine in her pants pocket, Lindsay Lohan was arrested after chasing the mother of her personal assistant in her car early Tuesday morning, Santa Monica police said.

The troubled actress was charged with drunken driving, possession of a controlled substance and other offenses.

It happened just five days after Lohan was booked in connection with a May drunken driving charge

Lt. Alex Padilla said the mother of Lohan’s personal assistant called police early Tuesday and said she was trying to drive to the Santa Monica police department because someone was chasing her.

She ended up in a parking lot about a block away from the police station, Padilla said.

Police spokeswoman Calisse Lindsey said when officers arrived on the scene after receiving the call at 1:34 a.m. PT, they found Lohan driving the vehicle allegedly chasing the woman who called.

The officers smelled alcohol and administered a field sobriety test, which Lohan failed, Lindsey said.

When taken to the police station, the 21-year-old actress registered 0.12 and 0.13 in blood tests for alcohol levels, the spokeswoman said. In California, the legal limit is 0.08, according to the state’s Department of Motor Vehicles.

Officers also found a white powdery substance in Lohan’s possession which was determined to be cocaine, Lindsey said.

Lohan, whose film “I Know Who Killed Me” will be released Friday, was charged with two counts of driving under the influence, possession of cocaine, bringing a controlled substance into a jail facility, and driving on a suspended license, according to Lindsey.

Lohan left the Santa Monica jail Tuesday morning after posting $25,000 bail, Padilla said.

Can anyone say trainwreck?

Jug

P.S. When’s the next dog fight Mike?

What visionaries back in the day, huh? This Honeywell magazine ad talks about the wonderful covenience that was Electronic Mail, or Email in today’s jargon.

Is it me or does the envelope landing on his desk look like its attached to Christmas tree garland?

Feliz Navidad!

(click ad to read)

Here is a fairly extensive compilation of some of the extraordinary sexual activities that can be performed by men:

1. Hot Lunch: While receiving head from a woman, you proceed to shit on her chest. (A.k.a. the Cleveland Steamer)

2. The Stranger: Sitting on your hand until it falls asleep and then jerking off, eliciting the feeling of a hand job from someone else.

3. Western Grip: When jerking off, turn your hand around, so that your thumb is facing towards you. It is the same grip that rodeo folks use. Hence, western.

4. The Blumpkin: You need to find a real tramp to do this right. It involves having her sucking you off while you are on the shitter.

5. Donkey Punch: Banging a girl doggy style and then moments before you cum, sticking your dick in her ass, and then punching her in the back of the head. This gives a tremendous sensation, but for it to work correctly, the girl must be knocked out so that her asshole tightens up.

6. Golden Shower: Any form of pissing all over a chick (a.k.a.- watersports)

7. Pearl Necklace: Well known. Whenever you cum on the neck/cleavage area of a girl - it takes on the look of beautiful jewelry.

8. Coyote: This occurs when you wake up in the room of a nasty wombat and you know you’ve got to give her the slip. However, you realize that your arm is wrapped around her. Therefore you must gnaw off your own arm to get out of the situation. Can be very painful.

9. Purple Mushroom: This occurs when a woman is giving you oral sex and you withdraw your penis in order to poke it back into her cheek. It should leave a lasting impression similar to purple mushroom.

10. The Flying Camel: A personal favorite. As she is lying on her back and you are hammering her from your knees, you carefully balance yourself without using your arms to prop yourself up. You then proceed to flap your arms and let out a long, shrieking howl, much like a coyote. Strictly a class move.

11. Fishhook: A variation of the shocker in which you pull back towards the pussy after you stick your finger up her anus.

12. The Ram: Again, you’re attacking from behind, when you start ramming her head against the wall in a rhythmic motion. The force of the wall should allow for deeper penetration. Very handy for those lulls in penile sensitivity.

13. Bismarck: This is another one involving oral sex. Right before you are about to cum, you pull out, shooting your load all over her face. Follow that with a punch and smear the blood and cum together.

14. Jelly Dougnut: A derivation of the Bismark. All you have to do is punch her in the nose while you are getting head.

15. The Woody Woodpecker: When a girl is sucking on your balls, tap the head of your cock on her forehead.

16. Dog in a Bathtub: This is a proper name for when you attempt to insert your nuts into a girl’s ass. It is so named because it can be just as hard as keeping a dog in the tub while giving it a bath.

17. Tossing Salad: Another prison act where one person is forced to basically chow asshole with the help of whatever condiments are available, i.e. Jell-O, olive oil, etc. I’m never going to prison.

18. Rim Job: Another name for tossing salad. Focuses on the use of the tongue.

19. The Bucking Bronco: An all time classic. You start by going doggy style on a girl and then just when she is really enjoying it, you grab onto her tits or hips as tightly as possible and call her a big fat no-good worthless slob. More than likely, she will try to escape. This will give you the feeling of riding a bronco as she tries to buck you off.

20. Pink glove: This frequently happens during sex when a girl is not wet enough. When you pull out to give her money, the inside of her twat sticks to your hog. Thus, the pink glove.

21. The Fountain of You: While sitting on her face and having her eat your ass, jerk off like a madman. Build up as much pressure as possible before releasing, spewing like a venerable geyser all over her face, neck and tits. (Better in her bed).

22. New York Style Taco: Anytime when you are so drunk that when you go down, you boot on her box. Happy trails.

23. The Dirty Sanchez: A time honored event in which while laying the bone doggie style, you insert your finger into said woman’s asshole, pull it out, wipe it across her upper lip leaving a thin, shit moustache. This makes her look like someone whose name would be Dirty Sanchez.

24. The Fish Eye: From behind, you shove your finger in her ass (or his if you are in prison). Thereupon she turns around in a one-eyed winking motion to see what the hell you are doing.

25. Tuna Melt: You’re down on a chick lapping away and discover that it just happens to be the time of the month. By no means do you stop though. When the whale spews, tartar sauce with a hint of raspberry smothers your face.

26. Fur Ball: You’re chomping away at some mighty trollop who has a mane between her legs the size of Lionel Richie’s Afro, when a mammoth fur ball gets lodged in your throat and causes you to beat the piss out of her.

27. The ChiliDog: You take a shit on a girl’s tits and then proceed to titty fuck her.

28. Gaylord Perry: Going to only one knuckle during an anal probe is for wimps. Make this famous knuckle ball pitcher proud and use multiple knuckles on that virgin corn hole. A minimum of two knuckles required (either on one finger or on multiple).

29. Rear Admiral: An absolute blast. When getting a chick from behind (while both partners standing), make sure you don’t let her grab on to anything when she is bent over. Then, drive your hips into her backside so that you end up pushing her forward. The goal is to push her into a wall or table. It’s almost as much fun to have her trip on her face on the floor. You become an Admiral when you can push her around the room without crashing into anything and not using your hands to grab onto her hips.

30. Glass Bottom Boat: Putting saran wrap over your partners face and proceeding to lay a hot shit there.

31. Ray-Bans: Put your testicles over her eye sockets while getting head. (Picture it: ass on forhead) It may be anatomically impossible, but it is definitely worth a try.

32. Snowmobile: Always a blast. When getting a girl while she’s on all fours, sweep out her arms so she falls on her face.

33. Dutch Oven: Rather simple. Whenever you bust ass while in the sack pull the covers over both of your head so she can enjoy your pork and beans as well.

TOP THINGS OVERHEARD AT THE G8 SUMMIT

–Someone please take the sake away from the Japanese Prime Minister before he discovers we’ve got “Baby Got Back” on the karaoke machine.

–Look, I’ll pledge my entire nation’s GDP to combat global warming. Just as long as I don’t have to watch Al Gore’s documentary again.

–Is it just me, or does the Canadian Prime Minister look like a human snake?

–I understand it’s a big issue back in Japan, Mr. Prime Minister. But I think you’re the only one who supports the creation of an International Godzilla Defense Force.

–Why don’t Bush and Putin stop all this aggressive tension and just have sex already?

–Does that Harper guy keep calling your hotel room and ask what you’re wearing?

–I love the smell of absolute power in the morning.

–I know President Bush is snoring over there, but don’t bother him because he’ll threaten war with anyone who wakes him up.

–Turn up the air conditioning so I can concentrate on this global warming crap.

–Canada is a forward thinking country with green values, an environmental conscience, and really, REALLY potent weed.

–So, what do y’all think of Paris in prison, Lindsay in rehab and Britney’s big comeback?

–Wears robes to cover up a bad Dave Matthews tattoo he got in ‘97.

–Recently traded in his sandals for some of those zippy wheeled shoes the kids are wearing.

–The reason his robe is so loose is to hide the Dalai Lama boner.

–Invented a machine that allowed him to go back in time and get the coolest glasses ever worn by ’70s high school guidance counselors.

–He’ll tell you the key to spiritual enlightenment. . . if you can sit through a boring story about the time he met Scott Baio.

–Once started a write-in protest to get “227″ back on the air.

–Every night, he lies awake, wondering if Corey Feldman will ever write back.

–Doesn’t realize the other monks are humouring him when they applaud his nightly off-key karaoke renditions of “It’s Raining Men”.

–Has to keep reminding himself, the next time he negotiates with the Chinese President over Tibetan independence, not to fall for that “pull my finger” trick again.

–Still doesn’t get the joke when someone sends him a tiny stuffed llama.

–Is completely shaved so that his junk looks bigger in the mirror.

–He can “pop it” and “lock it”, but he still has trouble “dropping it”.

–Gets all of his advice from those “Chicken Soup” books.

–Gets all of his sage advice and wisdom from the side of Starbucks’ cups.

–His only MySpace friend is Tony Danza.

–Has a Friday night ritual of smoking some chronic and then prank-calling the Pope.

 The following is an actual question given on a Washington State University chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so “profound” that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.

Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1.      If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2.      If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, “It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,” and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct……leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting “Oh my God.”
 

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY “A”

Jesus, apparently I’m gone a day and another clueless train wreck comes out to play:

Oops, she did it again.

J

P.S. Apparently I can’t link directly to the specific video so scroll down the right side for the “Britney Spears - What An Ass” video.

K, I’m sorry… I’m looking forward to the upcoming Spielberg/Bay flick this Independence Day, and I’ve got to give these guys props for being so creative, but jesus. They just scream GEEK!

[flv]http://www.dailyrumpypumpy.com/videos/transform_real.flv[/flv]

Note: *pay particular attention to the “Don’t Taunt Toronto Maple Leafs Fans” section please*

The road for the Vancouver Canucks may (or may not) lead to the Stanley Cup.
I know you want to support your favourite hockey franchise to the bitter end. That’s the popular thing to do, as long as the team is winning. But disappointment, failed expectations, and recurring doubt make it difficult for Joe (or Jane) Canuck to have complete and utter faith in their hockey club. In fact, it’s perfectly natural to want to abandon your team when your gut tells you they’re going to lose. It’s called “jumping off the bandwagon.”

Bandwagon jumping helps minimize the hurt when things become difficult. Like sidestepping a Todd Bertuzzi check instead of taking the hit, bandwagon-jumping can help reduce the pain.

And bandwagons are wonderful things. You can jump on them and off them as many times as you like. There’s no rule, and there’s no real consequence to your actions. However, your hockey-savvy community is able to recognize the bandwagon jumpers, and they tend to frown upon those who keep changing their team loyalties.

So to help minimize the effects of bandwagon-jumping and help preserve your own integrity, here are some helpful suggestions to help disguise your bandwagon-jumping practices.

Wear Reversible Team Jerseys
Get your mother to sew an opposing team’s jersey inside of your Vancouver Canucks jersey. If the team loses the game that night and you start to despair, simply remove the jersey and turn inside-out. No one will ever notice that you changed sides. If the Canucks win the next game, turn it back outside-right. Remember, flip-flopping is a natural reaction when your team fails to win.

Wear Team Canada Clothing
Wearing Team Canada apparel shows that you support the game of hockey, regardless of the team. And no matter who wins, there will always be Canadians on that team! You can celebrate a Canucks victory or defeat without embarassment. Wearing Team Canada apparel is neutral…like Switzerland…but that doesn’t mean you should wear Swiss apparel. That’s just wrong. (Sorry Martin Gerber).

Don’t Wear Facepaint
If you’re a Vancouver Canucks hockey fan, it’s hard to resist putting on the blue, green, and white make-up (or the silver, blue, burgundy, white), showing the city how much you love your team. But if you’re going to jump off the bandwagon, it’s difficult to quickly and easily remove all that paint from your face. Instead of wearing Canucks facepaint, instead wear a cheap plastic Kirk McLean goalie mask that can be easily disposed of when the team loses. No one will ever know who you were cheering for that night.

Don’t Taunt Toronto Maple Leafs Fans
It’s perfectly natural for hockey fans to tease those who love the Toronto Maple Leafs. In fact it’s usually encouraged. But if you’re worried about being branded as a bandwagon-jumper, you must be a little more cautious if you’re going to taunt Bud-lovers. Toronto fans never forgive, and they never forget (like when they last won the Stanley Cup back in 1967). If you ever jump off the bandwagon, the first people to remind you of your team’s failures, and your own character weaknesses will be Maple Leafs fans.

Minimize Your Team Support At Work
If you cover your workstation with Canucks flags, posters, and newspaper clippings, it’s difficult to be an effective bandwagon-jumper. First you have to remove all of your Canucks adornments, and deal with the disdain of your co-workers. If you’re going to jump, keep it simple and just maintain a Vancouver Canucks screensaver or background wallpaper on your work computer–something that can easily be removed or restored when necessary.

Don’t Overdress Your Vehicle In Canucks Team Colours
The more stickers and decals you place on your car, the harder it is to remove them. Instead of slapping a ton of Vancouver Canucks bumper stickers on your fenders, opt for those cheap Canucks team flags. These can easily be put away if you decide that you can no longer support a team that can’t score on a power-play. And, they can just as easily be re-attached to your window when the Canucks win game #2 and your team confidence is restored.

As a bandwagon-jumper, it’s important to have a plan in place, whether the Canucks win or lose. If they go all the way and win the Stanley Cup, you’ll enjoy the winning feeling as much as the truly committed fan. But if they let you down, like the 2003 team that blew the 3-1 series lead against the Minnesota Wild, at least you have something left to criticize those overpaid, under-achieving floaters who stole a little piece of your heart