–Wears robes to cover up a bad Dave Matthews tattoo he got in ‘97.

–Recently traded in his sandals for some of those zippy wheeled shoes the kids are wearing.

–The reason his robe is so loose is to hide the Dalai Lama boner.

–Invented a machine that allowed him to go back in time and get the coolest glasses ever worn by ’70s high school guidance counselors.

–He’ll tell you the key to spiritual enlightenment. . . if you can sit through a boring story about the time he met Scott Baio.

–Once started a write-in protest to get “227″ back on the air.

–Every night, he lies awake, wondering if Corey Feldman will ever write back.

–Doesn’t realize the other monks are humouring him when they applaud his nightly off-key karaoke renditions of “It’s Raining Men”.

–Has to keep reminding himself, the next time he negotiates with the Chinese President over Tibetan independence, not to fall for that “pull my finger” trick again.

–Still doesn’t get the joke when someone sends him a tiny stuffed llama.

–Is completely shaved so that his junk looks bigger in the mirror.

–He can “pop it” and “lock it”, but he still has trouble “dropping it”.

–Gets all of his advice from those “Chicken Soup” books.

–Gets all of his sage advice and wisdom from the side of Starbucks’ cups.

–His only MySpace friend is Tony Danza.

–Has a Friday night ritual of smoking some chronic and then prank-calling the Pope.