On Monday I turned 11697 days old. Wow!
Half my life ago I had just obtained my learner’s permit and I can clearly remember failing my first (and second) driver’s tests several months later and how heartbroken I was. I felt the entire world had just collapsed on me when in reality my weekend plans just got dishevelled a bit in that my friend Jeff and I couldn’t drive ourselves to the Lions game - not that big a deal in retrospect.
Fast forward to present day and life at the ripe new age of 32, again I am feeling very down. I never really considered myself *that* emotional a person. Yes, I take things personally sometimes and yes, am I guilty of building things up in my head. I’d like to think no more and no less than the next guy. I am human after all and in no way perfect.
In this most recent half, I’ve maintained friendships with my core group of friends from early highschool. Sure the odd guy strayed away, much like I myself did several years ago to pursue career options, but we’ve swayed back. I’ve always felt lucky to still have these relationships and that many of them have since expanded into spouses and/or families — making them all that much better.
Whenever I can, I try to make an effort when it comes to my friends. Whether it be a phone call, invitation to hang out or do something, an offer of my assistance on a project, sending Christmas cards, planning parties and camping trips, a supportive call during someone’s attempt at weightloss, calling to wish one’s child a happy birthday, giving someone a place to live when they are in need, helping someone get a job, taking someone out for a birthday drink or dinner, carrying a camera/cigars at all times for a pending birth, or just attempting to enjoy their company and make them feel as important to me as I possibly can… which to me, is my way of not taking them for granted, regardless of what is going on in my life and how busy I may be.
Granted, I miss things. I do all the time. Heck, I don’t know when everyone’s birthday is, or when they are planning to graduate or even if someone has been given a promotion at work. I understand things arise and I know certain aspects of one’s life take priority over others, but for EVERYONE to be too busy, or for NOBODY to make an effort, is a bit unfair and for that I am very sad.
Should this be bothering me? I’m not sure, but it does. I don’t ask for much, and I certainly never cause an inconvenience for people. I humbly try to take on as much as I can to alleviate stress and pressure for friends so maybe I just expected even the smallest of effort in return… I don’t know.
It embarrasses me to write this because I would never do something for someone under the premise of expecting anything in return. EVER! I do things because I want to and because I care for people close to me. I didn’t think I was unique in that regard. And while I know people may not reciprocate in the same fashion that I would for them, receiving nothing has opened my eyes to the fact that I may not be as important to them as they to me.
Today I feel unimportant, selfish, sad and embarrassed.
J
