I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee, and
A 1 lb. package of bacon.

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, “You must be single.”

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict’s intuition, since I was indeed single. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: “Well, you know what, you’re absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?”

The drunk replied, “Cause you’re fuckin’ ugly.”

Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are travelling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses at them through the windshield.

“Quick, Sister!” shouts Sister Catherine. “What shall we do?

“Turn the windshield wipers on! That will get rid of the abomination,” says Sister Helen.

Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns, making menacing faces.

“What shall I do now?” she shouts.

“Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican,” says Sister Helen.

Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

“Now what?” shouts Sister Catherine.

“Show him your cross,” says Sister Helen.

“Now you’re talking,” says Sister Catherine. She opens the window and shouts, “Get the fuck off the car!”

Damn for damn, this totally trounces my Slinky and Rubix Cube!

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gb_mnGmwAnI[/youtube]

Had I one of these lil’ pendulums of sweetness, I’d have never left my bedroom. Err, wait… umm… I think Porn did that anyway… doh!

Jug