1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.

2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.

3. If you don’t have a sense of humor, you probably don’t have any sense at all.

4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you’re in deep water.

6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?

7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.

8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?

9. Scratch a dog and you’ll find a permanent job.

10. No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.

11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.

12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM. It could be a right number.

13. Think about this… no one ever says “It’s only a game” when his team is winning.

14. I’ve reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.

15. Be careful reading the fine print. There’s no way you’re going to like it.

16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

17. Do you realize that in about 40 years, we’ll have thousands of OLD LADIES running around with tattoos? (And RAP music will be the Golden Oldies!)

18. Money can’t buy happiness — but somehow it’s more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo.

19. After a certain age, if you don’t wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.

1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

2. Alfred Hitchcock didn’t have a belly button.

3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 years.

4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it’s from being indoors a lot more.

5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart!

6. Only 7 per cent of the population are lefties.

7. Forty people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.

8. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don’t appear until they are 2-6 years old.

9. The average person over 50 will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.

10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.

11. The average housefly lives for one month.

12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.
13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.

14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.

15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than any other time of day.

16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.

17. The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water.

18. The only two animals that can see behind themselves without turning their heads are the rabbit and the parrot.

19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in “An Officer and a Gentleman” and “Tootsie”.

20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State anthem.

21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.

22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane, just in case there is a crash.

23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.

24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are used in vein transplant surgery.

25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th cousins.

26. If coloring weren’t added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.

They are all TRUE…. Now go back and think about #16!

Damnit, I want a steering wheel on my computer! (click photo for details)

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking when one blonde says to the other, “Which do you think is farther away… Florida or the moon?”

The other blonde turns and says, “Hellooooooooo, can you see Florida?”
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking when one blonde says to the other, “Which do you think is farther away… Florida or the moon?” The other blonde turns and says, “Hellooooooooo, can you see Florida?”

——————-

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, “What’s the story?” He replies, “Just crap in the carburetor.” She asks, “How often do I have to do that?”

——————-

There’s this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. “Yoo-hoo!” she shouts, “How can I get to the other side?” The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, “You ARE on the other side.”

——————-

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor’s office and said that her body hurts wherever she touched it. “Impossible”, says the doctor. “Show me.” The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed, likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said, “You’re not really a redhead, are you?” “Well, no” she said, “I’m actually a blonde.” “I thought so”, the doctor said. “Your finger is broken.”

——————-

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, “PULL OVER!” “NO!” the blonde yelled back, “IT’S A SCARF!”

——————-

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, “We were the first in space!” The American said, “We were the first on the moon!” The Blonde said, “So what? We’re going to be the first on the sun!” The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. “You can’t land on the sun, you idiot! You’ll burn up!” said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, “We’re not stupid, you know. We’re going at night!”
——————-

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. The question put to her was, “If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?” She thought for a time and then asked, “Is it on or off?”
——————-

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, “Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?” “Hellooooooooo”, answered the blonde. “They’re watch dogs!”

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl “Will you marry me?” The girl said “NO!” And the guy lived happily ever after and went hunting, fishing and watched alot of hockey. He drank beer and farted whenever he wanted. THE END

1. WHAT IS YOUR FIRST NAME? Henry
2. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? Yes, a king or two
3. WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY? After Toronto’s last loss
4. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? It looks fine too me
5. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? Roast beef & ham
6. CHILDREN? 1; Bailey
7. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? Of course! Because I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and, doggonit, people like me!
8. DO YOU HAVE A JOURNAL? No
9. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? Who!?! Me!?! Never!
11. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? Um…let me think about that one…
12. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE CEREAL? Reese’s Pieces (Ur welcome)
13. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? Who the hell wrote these questions?
14. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? I’m Hank Rolfe bitches!!! One of the baddest mutha fuckers of all time!
15. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE ICE CREAM? Vanilla
16. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? Girls: Tits, Guys: Which way they hang
17. RED OR PINK? Pink for… oops! Um… nevermind
18. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVOURITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? Nothing cause I’m super-sexy
19. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? My ‘Brokeback Mountain’ buddy. YEE HAW!!!
20. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU? No, leaving comments will suffice
21. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? And they call him the streak!
22. THE LAST THING YOU ATE? Pizza & beer
23. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? A little Julio Iglesias
24. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? Green
25. FAVORITE SMELL? A skunk, a campfire, & hot man sex
26. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? My wife
27. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? He/She’s fly (still trying to sort that one out)
28. FAVORITE DRINK? Crown & Coke
29. FAVORITE SPORT TO WATCH? Again I ask; Who the hell wrote these questions… DUH!
30. HAIR COLOR? Brown
31. EYE COLOR? Blue
32. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? I should
33. FAVORITE FOOD? I’m on a seafood diet; I see food, I eat it
34. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDING? Scary movies
35. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? Sleepy Hollow
36. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? See question 21
37. SUMMER OR WINTER? Both
38. HUGS OR KISSES? I concur! Can we change this to SUCKING OR LICKING?
39. FAVORITE DESSERT? Lol! Hair Pie!
40. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? Jug……and thats about it
42. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING? Penthouse Forum
43. WHAT’S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? Duh! Hockey
44. WHAT DID YOU WATCH LAST ON TV? The Leafs win 4-2
45. FAVORITE SOUNDS? A lightsaber
46. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? The Beatles
47. FURTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME? 5979.67 kms - Toronto
48. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? No need. I’m already special
49. LEAST LIKELY TO SEND THIS BACK? Everyone. Lazy fucks
50. WHERE WERE YOU BORN? The details of my life are quite inconsequential…. very well, where do I begin? My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink. He would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy. The sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical. Summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring we’d make meat helmets. When I was insolent I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds - pretty standard really. At the age of twelve I received my first scribe. At the age of fourteen a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum… it’s breathtaking- I highly suggest you try it

1. They will always smell good even if its just shampoo
2. The way their heads always find the right spot on our shoulder
3. How cute they look when they sleep
4. The ease in which they fit into our arms
5. The way they kiss you and all of a sudden everything is right in the world
6. How cute they are when they eat
7. The way they take hours to get dressed but in the end it makes it all worth while
8. Because they are always warm even when its minus 30 outside
9. The way they look good no matter what they wear
10. The way they fish for compliments even though you both know that you think she’s the most beautiful thing on this earth
11. How cute they are when they argue
12. The way her hand always finds yours
13. The way they smile
14. The way you feel when you see their name on the caller ID after you just had a big fight
15. The way she says “lets not fight anymore” even though you know that, an hour later.
16. The way they kiss when you do something nice for them
17. The way they kiss you when you say “I love you”
18. Actually… just the way they kiss you.
19. The way they fall into your arms when they cry
20. Then the way they apologize for crying over something that silly
21. The way they hit you and expect it to hurt
22. Then the way they apologize when it does hurt (even though we don’t admit it!)
23. The way they say “I miss you”
24. The way you miss them
25. The way their tears make you want to change the world so that it doesn’t hurt her anymore. Yet regardless if you love them, hate them, wish they would die or know that you would die without them…it matters not. Because once in your life, whatever they were to the world they become everything to you. When you look them in the eyes, traveling to the depths of their souls and you say a million things without trace of sound, you know that your own life is inevitable consumed within the rhythmic beatings of her very heart. We love them for a million reasons. No paper would do it justice. It is a thing not of the mind but of the heart. A feeling, only felt.

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2 People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

3 When people say “Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too”. Damn right! What good is cake if you can’t eat it?

4 When people say “it’s always the last place you look”. Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you’ve found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!

5 When people say while watching a film “did you see that?”. No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

6 People who ask “Can I ask you a question?”…. Didn’t really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is ‘new and improved!’ Which is it? If it’s new, then there has never been anything before it. If it’s an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn’t be new.

8 When people say “life is short”. What the hell? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that’s longer?

9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks “Has the bus come yet?”. If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass!?!

1. WHAT IS YOUR FIRST NAME? Jason (aka Hasib)

2. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? Yes, there were 4,227,268,752 people named before me

3. WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY? Tuesday @ 7:14am during a Sylvan Learning Center commercial

4. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? Writing: no… Printing: dynomite!

5. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? The skin around my fingernails

6. CHILDREN? I’m assuming this is asking if I have/want them? Yes, 3.2 with a side order of fries please (neither supersized!)

7. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? I suffer from DID and we are already our own bestfriends thank you

8. DO YOU HAVE A JOURNAL? I prefer to term it the “Authorative General Ledger of Being Me”

9. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? Negative ghostrider

10. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? Yes but sans Adenoids

11. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? Lemme get this straight… you want me to throw myself from a perfectly good bridge with nothing to hold me but a hair scrunchy? Umm, no

12. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE CEREAL? Reese Pieces (thx Gonzo!)

13. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? Tie Shmie! Velcro baby

14. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? Yes, I do give off a particularly pungent odour

15. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE ICE CREAM? Rolo, Mint chocolate chip

16. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? Girls: Mouth, Guys: Ass

17. RED OR PINK? Snazzy!

18. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVOURITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? Right elbow

19. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? A young Harrison Ford

20. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU? No, leaving comments will suffice

21. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES YOU ARE WEARING? Why wear pants? This lil’ sequin thong keeps me toasty warm (black)

22. THE LAST THING YOU ATE? Egg-white omelette w/toast (Dr. B approved)

23. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? The lovely hum of my puter’s fan coupled with the soothing sounds of DMX

24. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? Vert

25. FAVORITE SMELL? Skunk, gas, fresh cut grass, coffee grounds, campfire, baby powder

26. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? My pa

27. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? She’s fly

28. FAVORITE DRINK? Lime Marguaritas (Earls), Rookie Magic (Red Robin)

29. FAVORITE SPORT TO WATCH? I won’t even dignify this ridiculous question with a response

30. HAIR COLOR? Today? Practically salt ‘n pepper

31. EYE COLOR? Which eye?

32. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? Nope, just had LASIK

33. FAVORITE FOOD? Junk

34. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDING? I elect to pass on this question

35. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? Rocky Horror Picture Show

36. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? Shirt? Bah, see question 21

37. SUMMER OR WINTER? The latter (Merry New Year!)

38. HUGS OR KISSES? Can we change this to SUCKING OR LICKING?

39. FAVORITE DESSERT? Any, ‘cept Rice pudding… I mean WTF?

40. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? Gonzo or Mr. Brownlee (6th grade teacher)

42. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING? Sears Xmas Catalog (specifically, the bra section)

43. WHAT’S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? Speakers, light, phone, some papers, dual screens, water bottle, cells (mouse pad is my desk)

44. WHAT DID YOU WATCH LAST ON TV? The Canucks lose 3-2

45. FAVORITE SOUNDS? Silence and my truck’s exhaust on a cold morning

46. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? Depends, am I unsatisfied or do I live underwater?

47. FURTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME? 2,882.5 miles

48. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? Do I? Check this out (lights fart on fire)

49. LEAST LIKELY TO SEND THIS BACK? Person who sent it to me in the first place

50. WHERE WERE YOU BORN? North of the equator in a medical facility so I am told, but I feel eerily nostalgic when I visit the Safeway’s bulk-bins section in Moscow, ID

DIRECTIONS:
Now, here’s what you’re supposed to do… Copy and paste the above, delete my answers and type your answers into the Comments section. The theory is that you will learn a lot of little known facts about those who know you… Remember to add this to the Comments (Geese-a-laying)