the daily rumpy pumpy

Wacky news this week

The singer who dressed as a policeman in the flamboyant late 1970s disco band “Village People” has been arrested after disappearing while drug and gun charges against him were pending, officials said on Monday. Victor Willis, who co-wrote some of the band’s hits such as “In the Navy” and “YMCA” has had a number of run-ins with the law since he left the group in 1980 and now faces as much as five years in prison, said Morley Pitt, assistant district attorney in San Mateo County south of San Francisco. “It’s just sad that his life has spiralled down to the point where in all likelihood he’s going to go to prison,” Pitt, who said he enjoys the song “YMCA”, told Reuters. “You never like to see anybody go to prison, let alone somebody who is 54 years old.”

Four burgers at his neighborhood Burger King cost George Beane a whopping $4,334.33. Beane ordered two Whopper Jr.s and two Rodeo cheeseburgers when he pulled up to the drive-through window last Tuesday. The cashier, however, forgot that she’d entered the $4.33 charge on his debit card and punched in the numbers again without erasing the original ones - thus creating a four-figure bill. The electronic charge went through to George and Pat Beane’s Bank of America checking account and left the couple penniless. Their mortgage payment was due and they worried checks they had written would bounce, Pat Beane said. “We were thinking, ‘No, not now!’” she said of the overcharge. Burger King did not charge the Beanes for their meal, and the couple got their $4,334.33 back on Friday. “For those three days, those were the most expensive value burgers in history,” Pat Beane said.

Up to a third of telephone users in Britain make calls in the nude, with men more prone to do it without clothes than women, a survey revealed on Thursday. Research commissioned by Britain’s Post Office, which offers a fledgling home phone service, revealed that 40 percent of men admitted to nattering naked compared with 27 percent of women. The results were based on a survey of 1,500 telephone users. The research also showed that people were so busy that one in 10 people admitted to wandering off and leaving the caller talking to themselves.

A Muslim couple in India has been told by local Islamic leaders they must separate after the husband “divorced” his wife in his sleep, the Press Trust of India reported. Sohela Ansari told friends that her husband Aftab had uttered the word “talaq,” or divorce, three times in his sleep, according to the report published in newspapers Monday. When local Islamic leaders got to hear, they said Aftab’s words constituted a divorce under an Islamic procedure known as “triple talaq.” The couple, married for 11 years with three children, were told they had to split. The religious leaders ruled that if the couple wanted to remarry they would have to wait at least 100 days. Sohela would also have to spend a night with another man and be divorced by him in turn.

A man found stuck in a Washington bank chimney didn’t try to cover up his intent. “We asked him what he was doing down there and he said, ‘What do you think? I’m trying to rob the bank,” said Police Chief Robert Perales Firefighters threw down a rope and pulled out a soot-covered 26-year-old man, who was arrested on the spot. He was booked into the municipal jail in nearby Wapato. Police in this lower Yakima Valley town had been summoned Thursday morning to the U.S. Bank because of an apparent break-in attempt. They discovered the stuck suspect after finding the top had been removed from the ventilation shaft for the furnace.

Sonia Goldstein was flattered by the nice recruiting letter asking her to consider becoming one of “the few, the proud.” But at age 78, she believes she’s just a little old to enlist in the U.S. Marine Corps. I couldn’t believe it,” Goldstein told KCAL-TV on Friday. “My girls were sitting here … we were in hysterics, we laughed so hard.” The letter told her the corps could use her unique language skills, but also warned that life as a Marine would test her physical and mental abilities “beyond anything you’ve ever known.” “There I am with my walker. I can’t maneuver from here to there without it,” said Goldstein, who added that her only language is English. “I’ll do whatever I could for this wonderful country we live in,” she said. “But you know, this is kind of stretching it a bit.” The Marines ordinarily recruit people 18 to 27, said Maj. Joseph Kloppel, a corps spokesman. He said the letter must have been sent by mistake. “Seventy-eight is obviously too old,” Kloppel added.

Joke

Two Scotsman were discussing how far each could make a dime reach. They agreed to try it and meet a few days later to see who won.

The first guy bought a cigar, and smoked one-third the first day and saved the ashes. He smoked one-third the second day and saved the ashes. He smoked one-third the third day and again saved the ashes. On the fourth day he gave the ashes to his wife to use as fertilizer on her roses. He told the other guy, “I know you can’t beat that for stretching a dime.”

The other Scotsman said, “I got you beat. I bought a Polish sausage for a dime, and the first day I ate one-half, and on the second day I ate the other half. The third day I used the skin for a condom, and the fourth day I took a shit in the skin and sewed it back up. The fifth day I took it back to the butcher and told him it smelled like shit. He agreed with me and gave me my dime back.”

DRP Webcast Replay (show #3)

Hey folks,

Here’s 3/4’s of this week’s show for download. Forgot to start recording until after the first segment.

Show Duration: 1 hour, 37 minutes
Show Hightlights: Nothing with a topic like religion (yawn!)
Download Specs: 58MB, MP3

Enjoy!

Jug

P.S. Right click the above link and “Save As” or “Save Target As” (PC) to your computer. MAC users fend for yourselves you damn trend-setters.

New rules for 2006

New Rule : Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com. There’s a reason you don’t talk to people for 25 years. Because you don’t particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don’t eat anything that’s served to you out a window unless you’re a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy’s chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you’re a dope. If you’re a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you’re a grown man, they’re pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here’s how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we’re done.

New Rule: There’s no such thing as flavored water. There’s a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That’s your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop fucking with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that’s square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a “decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n’-Low and one NutraSweet,” ooh, you’re a huge asshole.

New Rule: I’m not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing “Enter,” verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don’t want cash back, and pressing “Enter” again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn’t make you spiritual. It’s right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to “beef with broccoli.” The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren’t pregnant. You’re not spiritual. You’re just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn’t a sport. It’s one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What’s next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They’re already doing that. It’s called “The Howard Stern Show.”

New Rule: I don’t need a bigger mega M&M. If I’m extra hungry for M&Ms, I’ll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you’re going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what’s playing on the other screens. Let’s remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn’t good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it’s for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn’t gift giving, it’s the white people version of looting.

New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can’t even tell if he’s supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don’t want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don’t need to know in months. “27 Months.” “He’s two,” will do just fine. He’s not a cheese. And I didn’t really care in the first place.

LISTEN LIVE: Webcast starting at 7pm!!!

Hey folks,

The time is now…

Listen here or here using your streaming MP3 player.

Phone in throughout the show: NO PHONES THIS WEEK
Or, MSN us at: jason_miller_26@hotmail.com

Note: If you do not have a streaming media player, you can download the likes of Winamp or Windows Media Player.

Once connected, your player may buffer the feed for the first little bit while it is establishing a connection. If you are having further difficulties throughout the show or cannot connect at all, there is nothing we can do during the show. We will work with you afterwards and you can always listen to the replay.

Thanks,

Jug

Be politically correct when speaking to men

1. He does not have a “BEER GUT”, he has developed a “LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.”

2. He is not a “BAD DANCER”, he is “OVERLY CAUCASIAN.”

3. He does not “GET LOST ALL THE TIME”, he “INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.”

4. He is not “BALDING”, he is in “FOLLICLE REGRESSION.”

5. He is not a “CRADLE ROBBER”, he prefers “GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.”

6. He does not get “FALLING-DOWN DRUNK”, he becomes “ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.”

7. He does not act like a “TOTAL ASS”, he develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.”

8. He is not a “MALE CHAUVINIST PIG”, he has “SWINE EMPATHY.”

9. He is not afraid of “COMMITMENT”, he is “RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED.”

10. He is not “HORNY”, he is “SEXUALLY FOCUSED.”

11. It’s not his “CRACK” you see hanging out of his pants - It’s “REAR CLEAVAGE.”

Reminder

DRP Webcast is tonight at 7pm. Ensure you have a streaming media player like Winamp or Windows Media player. You should be able to simply click the link when posted tonight and your player will auto-load and play it, OR ELSE right click the link and “Copy Shortcut” (PC) and paste it into the “Open URL” box within your player.

There is nothing we can do once the show is live.

Cheers, and enjoy you smelly buggers!

Jug

Special Bulletin from the Pentagon

The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man Elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces. These Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, Missouri, Oklahoma, Tennessee and Texas boys will be dropped into Iraq and have been given only the following facts about terrorists:

1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don’t like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.
5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
6. Their favorite movie is “BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN.”

We expect the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday.

DRP Webcast Replay (show #2)

Hey folks,

After much ado about nothing, I changed my mind and decided to offer the weekly shows for download rather than replaying them at inconvenient times.

Show Duration: 1 hour, 55 minutes
Show Hightlights: Gonzo’s Rant, S.O.S. Parody
Download Specs: 68MB, MP3

Enjoy!

Jug

P.S. Right click the above link and “Save As” or “Save Target As” (PC) to your computer. MAC users fend for yourselves you damn trend-setters.

Random thoughts

- Diggin’ this new Feist artist

- Go canucks go!

- Sad to say goodbye to the Magnum, hello again truck. I see you’re making noises now… we’ll have to get you looked at, damnit!

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