Here’s the updated version of arguably the world’s best .MP3 player:

http://fileforum.betanews.com/detail.php3?fid=1066336873

Chowder

J

Finally, I found it… a product among products.

A product so revolutionary, so functional and so commonplace that I am amazed I only found out about its true powers two days ago.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’ve known about its illusive existence for over a decade, but I have lived life like most people do — sticking with what I know and what I feel comfortable with.

Boy have I been missing out!

Being a grown man living alone prevents me the luxury of using whatever’s laying around in the ol’ loo. Specifically my dad’s stuff or borrowing from the wife or roommate. To an extent, I have gained a certain level of perspective on what I now realize to be my sheltered life. I never would have thought a product this magnificent, this overwhelmingly in tune with my needs and wants as a man would have such a paramount affect on me.

You see, from time to time this nostalgic memory of me as a child some dozen or two years ago (depending on who you ask) triggers in my brain — spending time with my mom as she powdered my baby brother’s rear after a fresh butt wipe & cleanse.

No, the fondness of this reoccuring recollection isn’t attributed to the graphic visualization of a nekkid set of cheeks hoisted in the air post-toxic dump. And no it isn’t because of the nasal-burning, paint-stripping, eye-watering stench emanating from what appeared to my 5-year old eyes as peanut butter fresh from the microwave.

It is however that heavenly whiff of wonderful, white angel dust sprinkled like snow flakes ever so softly over my bro’s dank, freshly cleaned torso. That angel dust, commonly known as “Baby Powder”, ranks highly on my all-time list of man’s greatest inventions; smack-dab between the combustion engine and Lime Crush slurpies.

On more occasions than I’d care to admit, I’ve walked the fine line of homo/hetero-sexuality and self powder usage — knowing full well admittance of powder application, or worse, specific use of womens’ Secret under-arm deodorant, would surely convince family, friends and colleagues of my vying needs for same-team playmates. I reluctantly, but obviously, fought those urges.

Hence my dilemma: How to “stay straight” while taking full advantage of all the goodness Baby Powder offers?

Now, fast-forward to present day, editing out all my years of closet misery. I am proud to announce my dilemma has recently been resolved. After years of fluttering with sexual orientation (at least in the eyes of those around me) by “secretly” using Baby Powder whenever possible and whenever discreet, I have found this product of products.

After collecting dust in my bathroom cupboard for over a year as a holiday stocking-stuffer from a friend, my running out of the product I normally use; forcing me to “settle” for this temporary option until my feet found their way into a local grocery store, this product of products has found me.

What is this magical elixer of life? What can possibly be such a splendidly perfect fit with the likes of a lightly-warmed danish and 70’s porno movie full of classical music and jungle-bush?

The product you ask?

Old Spice.

I have now found a way to conserve water, postpone daily showers by at least a week or two and smell fresh like a recently used baby’s ass.

Who wants a hug?

Acocdrnig to an elgnsih unviesitry sutdy the oredr of letetrs in a wrod dosen’t mttaer, the olny thnig thta’s iopmrantt is that the frsit and lsat ltteer of eevry word is in the crcreot ptoision. The rset can be jmbueld and one is stlil able to raed the txet wiohtut dclftfuiiy.

Well, motoring along here on Day 4 since Blog conception and things are starting to take shape.

Added:

- Tweaked Flash header animation,

- Shout Out feature,

- Weekly web poll,

- Gallery of pic’s,

- Updated Links section.

Things on the horizon:

- Interview with an up & coming Orthodontist,

- Web-cam sex,

- A pie eating contest,

- Dissecting a cigarette,

- Singing a lil’ Wayne Newton.

Of course, none of these things will probably ever come to pass, but they sure sound cool as lead-in’s to our site.

That’s too bad… I always had a hankering to verbally spar with an eye-doc.

I have to poop.

Missed my blog-post yesterday. Had to spend 7 hours driving to and from Tacoma, WA (me lives in Vancouver, BC). The drive wasn’t bad, and neither was customs. Just having to do someone else’s job when I had a full day of my own shit to do really jerked my soda.

Oh well, it made for a laxidasical afternoon.

During the ride, and when I finally arrived home and flicked on the news, this shit about Rush Limbaugh was all people were talking about. Christ, Letterman was even pulling cracks at the goof ball’s expense.

You have to agree Reuters and the rest of the associated press are starving (or better yet exhasperated) at the lack of available world news when they continue to hype and reference something so stupid by such an idiot. I mean who fuckin cares? There is more freakin coverage on this than IRAQ, Afganistan and the middle east crisis COMBINED.

How rediculous is that when sports takes front page over life’s tragedies? Do I dare mention the worthless coverage on Kobe?

Don’t get me wrong. I ain’t racist, and I think anyone who is should be strung upside-down from a tree with a hot curling-iron up the bunghole, but don’t you agree that this world would be a much better place if people would just shutup and enjoy life? Kinda like when we reflect on how much nicer people get around the holidays… hoping it could last all year. The tragedy is that as much as we want to be nice and as much as it sounds easy to shutup and enjoy life… IT DOESN’T and WON’T happen.

It’s human nature and our god-given right to be loud-mouth jerks if we want and this week Rush decided to exercise his rights a little too far.

We all have our bad days, and sure it is nice to vent on others some times… but do we really need to be chatting this shit up at the ol’ office watering hole like that last episode of Survivor??? Yes, the comments seemed a tad gender-selective. But Donovon has moved on, Rush has quit and yet the media is still beating this into our heads on a daily basis. Elevating this story higher than any normal or sain TV viewer, paper reader or radio listener needs isn’t necessary.

Maybe you’re saying… Damn Jug, just turn the freakin TV or radio off then. Just ignore the newspaper sports section!

You’d think I’d try that huh? I mean, it seems easier than mindless bantering in here and getting all worked up over nothing right?

The only problem is that it isn’t just the TV and radio blaring it. And as Hockey season arrives, there is no way in hell I am skipping ANY sports section - newspaper or otherwise. No, it wouldn’t help. Even if I was to ignore all that, I still have all my buddies talkin’ ’bout it when we’re together.

Now I suppose I could sit at home, all dank and smelly from hiding under my covers for 2 weeks while these shitty, repetative stories slowly die by the wayside, but I would enevitably lose my job for not going to work.

Nope, can’t do it. Thought about it, but do you even have a clue as to how hard it is getting into the pedicure field? How many people you have to brown-nose, how much lying is required on your resume and how often you get “kicked” down only to start from the bottom? There is NO WAY I can afford to lose my job after night-school and all this hard work the past 17 years! Yes I clean people’s feet and I am DAMN proud of it!

Anyway…

In other news, Arnold is still an idiot, but now we have learned (like we care) that he sexually harasses women, does coke, partook in 70’s orgies and oh yes… a supporter of Hitler and the Nazi regime. God this guy’s a multi-tasker! Who’d of thought this possible with all the anabolic steriods throughout his career.

(Ok, maybe I added the part about Arnie doing cocaine, but would you really be surprised if he did? Would you care?)

I didn’t think so.

Now look, all I have done is rant about the shitty and unproductive media coverage this week. By doing this, I too have turned in a lousy post of nothing but used toilet paper topics.

Dammit! Maybe tomorrow I will discuss something of actual importance like my position on the middle-east, the postponement of NASA’s next launch or the jam packed special features contained on this week’s DVD release - Dawson’s Creek: Series Finale.

Until then, let’s pray for those less fortunate like those owning black Ferrari’s - driving at 130mph in a freakin school-zone in night’s midst. Tilt your head a little lower and clasp those hands a little firmer knowing that any idiot can ignore the countless safety-awareness ad’s and news coverage; all preaching to slow the fuck down and turn his or her vehicle into a Maaco-painted kiss of death.

I think “idiot” is going to be my word ‘o the day… look out world.

Now where’s the porn!?!

Dear Preperation H,

Undisclosed

This just in : NEW VIRUS WARNING

If you receive an e-mail with a subject line of “Badtimes,” delete it

immediately WITHOUT reading it. This is the most dangerous Email virus yet.

It will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, but it will scramble any

disks that are even close to your computer. It will recalibrates your

refrigerator’s coolness setting so all your ice cream melts and milk curdles.

It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, reprogram your

ATM access code, screw up the tracking on your VCR and use subspace field

harmonics to scratch any CDs you try to play.

It will give your ex-boy/girlfriend your new phone number. It will mix

antifreeze into your fish tank. It will drink all your beer and leave its

dirty socks on the coffee table when there’s company coming over. It will

hide your car keys when you are late for work and interfere with your car

radio so that you hear only static while stuck in traffic.

Badtimes will make you fall in love with a hardened pedophile. It will give

you nightmares about circus midgets. It will replace your shampoo with Nair

and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend

behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card.

It will seduce your grandmother. It does not matter if she is dead, such is

the power of Badtimes, it reaches out beyond the grave to sully those things

we hold most dear.

Badtimes will give you Dutch Elm disease. It will leave the toilet seat up

and leave the hairdryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It

will remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows,

and refill your skim milk with whole.

It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold.

It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.

These are just a few signs.

Be afraid. Be very, very afraid.

Day 2, and site contruction is well underway.

Added:

- Flash header animation,

- Fixed CSS bug issue w/blogger interface,

- Audited & recoded blogger template,

- Grabbed my crotch during a Michael Jackson music vid,

- Streamlined overall GUI,

- Updated Links section,

- more to come…

In addition, my day was pretty mundain. Was reading more info on CNN ’bout Arnie and his bid for Governor of Cali. I met him in person once, and isn’t as big as we all perceive him to be on TV. In fact, the more I see him, the more I want to dislocate one finger or three toes.

He must have the mojo though… he’s all over the news with his 70’s orgies ‘n shit. Cudos ya bloke.

~ Billy Jean, is not my luva ~

The day has turned to night, and soon night will turn to morning.

Been watching the Boston/Oakland divisional series game. Currently the longest divisional game in the history of the MLB at 4 hours & 32 minutes. Damn this shit it’s boring.

Think I will shave a heart into my ass hair.

Where’s Letterman!

Well, today started with me praying to the holiest of holy spirits as I took my boat into the shop for a new carburator and throttle-kill switch. Not being the richest man on the planet has forced me to take up religion.

I am eating oatmeal.